If The Butt Doesn’t Fit, You Must Acquit

Polar Bear Ashamed of Kim's Butt

Polar Bear Ashamed of Kim’s Butt

OK. Coming at this with zero knowledge of Kim Kardashian. I don’t “Keep Up With The Kardashians”. Nor do I follow Kim or her friends on Twitter. Honestly, I don’t give a flying fuck about her recent claim to fame as America’s biggest, greasiest butt. Instead, I spend more of my time reading about real humans and the real issues of our planet. Think polar bears. I’m an activist. I write about what matters, and it appears that Kim’s butt doesn’t really matter for much of anything worldly.  Well…to maybe the internet, which she should be breaking just about now. But, the butt must go on.

Sadly, I must admit that I do love Kanye Wests’ music. He’s revolutionizing hip hop. Yet, Kim, as Kanye’s sidekick, steps into the light and brings forth a dampening redirection to talent and issue. She’s a goddamn magician, creating fame out of thin air. Poof! Kanye might as well have broken the internet with his latest album, which has content, which has soul-crushing and perverted profanity, but at least it is has content. I side with Lou Reed’s Review of Yeezus.: ‘No one’s near doing what he’s doing, it’s not even on the same planet.” Rest in peace.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a dill-hole of a person. A grad-a magnum sized dick. Comparing Kanye to anything other than a phallus would be untrue, unreal, and blasphemous.

Back to Kim Kardashian’s debut on New York’s Paper magazine- which is old news, older than a sea turtle, but we must ask ourselves: was it ever news?  It’s Kim, it’s champagne, it’s greasy, and it’s her butt nude and loud and proud. It’s all over the web. Google it. While you’re at it, google fracking or instead google why the keystone pipeline was just eradicated.

One thing comes to mind when I hear about this BS on my FB feed: the desensitization of media in the U.S- Hustlers in the hands of hundreds of 10 year old boys and a nation of kindergarteners gawking at Kim’s fleshy buttocks. Why not slap an oil-covered sea lion on the front and ask our younger generations to take action to save what will be their future, rather than give them some material to masturbate or care about for god-knows whatever reason. This is what the nation is coming to. This is what the nation has come to. When will this nation come to?

So yes, I’ve been sipping on that hater-aid. Slap hater on my forehead, flip me over, and call me done. Or call me a hippie. Call me what you want, but that’s not going to change what viewers watch and why the pay attention.  But that’s exactly how Kim wants us to react. She feeds off this, as long as it comes in the millions, and as long it deters from real issues worth tackling or talking….that’s the only way she can perform this illusion of fame and issue. Hell, even her rock, Kanye, admits that he’s thatd-bag that “parallel double-parks that muthafucker sideways.” Bad publicity is good publicity is publicity is publicity is publicity. As long as we are talking about them, they win.

Can you imagine what would happen if  for every tweet she made, a dollar was donated to saving the whales or thwarting big oil companies from drilling where they’re not supposed to?

So, I’m going to do something pretty radical here. I’m going to acquit Kim from any publicity, good or bad. Let’s absolve her of her gigantic gluteus maximus and any of the attention or issues that may have arrived from that stupid spread… silence. Now, something that should be a trending topic. Climate change is upon us. We have lost seventy-five percent of our north polar ice caps in the past thirty years. If we don’t do something now to reduce our carbon admissions, and switch the planet over to renewable energy sources, our icecaps will completely melt and deregulate the temperature of the entire planet. Polar bears are dying, swimming miles out into the sea and drowning because they have no ice to land on anymore.

Are you still thinking about Kim’s butt?


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